Life is all about light. Even if you don’t want it you need it. After Bella died I didn’t think much about the light. It was there and I dealt with it. I had days where I fought it with everything I had. I still have those days 12 years later. Some people might see the light in me, but they have to really look. As you can guess I am not the most friendliest person. I come across as mean, but that is not my goal. Bella’s death did that to me.
I like the window light and side light for pictures. I don’t go outside much. There are a few reasons for that, but it is safe to say I am a home body. My glimmers of light seem to come and go. The light shines and then something will happen or I will hear something that will spiral me into the darkness. And it just takes time to get out of it. Time, time, time. This has got easier in time, but my heart is still broken for the baby girl that could have been but got ripped away.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us.” -Marianne Williamson
This quote resonates with me. I hate to admit I am more comfortable in my darkness.
wind chime in my back yard
I know I have tons to be grateful for. After Bella died we waited 6 years before trying again. I was only 18 when she entered my life. It took 6 months of trying and we conceived my first son, Elijah. My due date with him was June 27th, but since my doctors didn’t want me to go past 37 weeks that meant I would have to deliver him the week of Bella’s birthday, June 3rd. I was so hurt. I wanted that time to about her. So I asked about pushing it back, so I delivered Elijah at 37 weeks and 3 days on June 9th. I was thrilled that I was having a boy. I kept thanking God because if I had had another girl I probably wouldn’t have been able to handle it. Even with a boy I kept thinking all these milestones should be Bella’s. When I got pregnant with my second son my due date was September 21st. My due date with Bella was September 19th. I was so scared when her birthday came around that year thinking I was going to go into preterm labor. But it passed and I had Levi on September 4th. I am grateful I have them to call me Momma. But I long for a daughter. I long for my Bella.
I am also grateful for being able to be a stay at home mom. The only reason that is even a possibility is because of another tragedy that happened to our family. My father-in-law was a sheriff’s deputy. On October 29th, 2010 he was killed in the line of duty in a car accident. He was 48 years old. It was an unbelievable blow to my husbands family. With the insurance that line of duty deaths get I was able to quit my job. A job I loathed. I am so grateful. We were also able to get a bigger, newer home that I love. I would gladly give it all back and go back to a crappy job if we could get him back. I miss him.
my front door